Category Archives: bdsm

Freedom, freedom and Waffling

I’ve been reading Master Obsidian’s House blog site some more and a paragraph in another post caught my eye as something I’ve also been concerned with. Part of the reason expressing oneself as a part of the M/s subculture is that our language betrays what we in fact do and how we structure meaning within the world. Speaking of a tendency within the community Master Obsidian makes the following observation on a common and becoming more common attitude:

freedom in its purest sense embraced is the freedom to do anything and to be anything at all. And if we truly are inclusive, if we truly are seekers of truth then we must conclude as often as possible that every man and every woman has the ability and the right to pursue what ever strikes their particular fancy. And perhaps even more importantly than that notion, is the notion that whatever a person comes up in their pursuit of getting their particular fancy struck as it were – is great and wonderful and not to be denied.

Freedom, for me, comes in two flavors. There is the a priori freedom that every human being possesses no matter what their life circumstances. Without this freedom we would be unable to comport ourselves towards anything whatsoever. It is a necessity of being-in-the-world itself. This is properly called ‘ontological freedom’, which can be explained as the freedom of being itself. The other sense of freedom is the practical freedom that one possesses within-the-world. This is a matter of circumstances, and is also a matter of degrees. The proper term for this is ‘ontic freedom’, which can be made clearer as the freedom to dispose of beings as one wishes.

Enhancing the ability, if the individual chooses, to exercise ontic freedom is a noble pursuit. The as-one-wishes is crucial though, as not everyone wishes to exercise every possible ontic freedom. As well, circumstances being what they are, no one can exercise every freedom they may wish. We are all constrained by law, by custom, by societal opinion, and by our own ethical sense.

Choosing to not exercise freedoms may be due to ethics or societal norms, or it may be a more personal choice in that an individual may simply not feel comfortable exercising a good number of freedoms. If this number is great enough they may choose to enter into a D/s or M/s relationship, depending on the degree of unfreedom they feel most comfortable with. In an M/s relationship, once the choice is made it is made in a permanent sense, unless one is willing to break one’s word in an important manner.

Whatever that person, who is now a slave where continued consent is not required, may suddenly feel the urge to express may now only be expressed accordng to the will of the Master . The slave has given up the freedom to “get their particular fancy struck” unless it happens to coincide with the Master’s particular fancy at that moment. That ontological freedom is still present cannot undermine ontical slavery.


Kinky Wilde-isms

These are posted without attribution … since attribution would only indicate a nickname on an anonymous site.

kink is the refuge of homely, limited people; but the ruin of attractive,
talented ones.

after illusion, perversity is the greatest of life’s pleasures, and the
preoccupation of genius.

there is no such thing as a “kinky” or “vanilla” person; people are either
interesting and charming–or boring and charmless.

polygamy is having too many partners; monogamy is exactly the same.

Kinksters refuse to be constrained by the pointless rules and expectations of
mundane society, preferring to be constrained by the pointless rules and
expectations of other kinksters.

To regain consciousness in a paramedic ambulance after ONE play session is
merely an accident; for it to happen TWICE is outright carelessness.

I like talking to brick walls, doormats and my property; the only things in
the world that don’t dare contradict me.

a little submission is a charming thing; a great deal of it, grotesque.

ownership and control-freakishness are really the same thing.

other masters and slaves are quite phony; the only genuine ones are me and
mine.

A man in his vice is an ugly thing, a woman in it is heavenly.

Sadist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

The man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world.

“patio”: the name breathplayers give to their mistakes

Consensuality is the last refuge of the timid.

I like women better than clothes, and I like women with no clothes better than
anything else in the world.

The only difference between pain and ecstasy is attitude.

A Man’s face is his autobiography; his sub’s ass is his blog.

Blind ambition is an excellent start, ballgagged ambition is better.

The moment a Dominant must declare he has the authority in a situation he has
lost it.

To see yourself in your submissive is the product of incessant narcissism, or
fantastic oral.

If one could merely teach submissives how to talk, and dominants how to
listen, FetLife would be quite civilized.

People are not good or bad, they are merely charming or Gorean.

The ability to whimper is a serviceable substitute for passion.

It is better to stay silent and be thought a fool, than to be punished for
speaking without permission.

There’s a love that dare not speak its name; sadly, there’s also a love that
won’t ever shut the fuck up.

Many bdsm intimacies begin on the internet. and end in disaster.

There are many men a woman will submit to just to get rid of them.

“I’ve had a lovely beating… But this wasn’t it”.

I no longer attend play-parties; some of the women look as if they were poured
into their corsets and forgot to say “when!”

Many slaves are so grotesquely unattractive that I must resist the urge to flog
their mothers.

You can tell a lot about a man’s background and breeding from the cut of his
assless chaps.

He wears his leathers as if they were thrown on him with a pitchfork

There’s no way to distinguish between a good pro domme and a bad one. sooner
or later, out pops the fat ass.

She was raised in a poly household. they were too poor to practice monogamy.

If a “piece of property” wants to remain with her owner, all she has to do is
cater to what is most ugly in him.

Fetishes do not cease to be funny when people die any more than they cease to
be serious when people laugh.

24/7 master/slave is the marriage of meanness and martyrdom

bdsm divides people into sadists and masochists, or dominants and submissives;
it has no category for the truly original and unique.

bdsm with a woman is sometimes a vast improvement over wanking; but it takes
more imagination than most people have to really make it work

there is no sadder creatrue in the world than a woman who craves a man’s
spanking but has to settle for the whole man

bdsm “morality” is like a sexually-transmitted disease; the first stage is
called “honor, the second stage “honesty”, the final stage “community”.

there are many unfortunate women in bdsm who have to play mommy in order to
hang on to their daddy

romantics place their loves on a pedestal; sadists tie them across it

masters are the bosses in their homes; their slaves merely make all the
decisions

when their “property” demands release, most owners swing into action; they
immediately clean out the cage for rental.

People ask who is more imaginative, male dominants or female dominants? If you
ask me, the most imaginative creature is the male submissive who arrives late
to see a domme.

perversity is the daddy of invention

if sex is the spice of life, than sadism is the industrial acid

it’s fortunate that most bdsm “mentors” are too stupid to conceal their
dishonesty with deceit

I will never tolerate being called “master” in my own home

I have no issues with most doms calling themselves “sir”, “lord” or “master”;
after all, they are all napoleons of stupid.

I will never pay for porn nor support FL; I have no intention of bolstering
the capitalist system.

I have tremendous respect for her; she worked herself up from homeless teenage
runaway to beta-slave in a leather family

_many women face a terrible dilemma on FL; is he cheating on his wife or
hiding from his mother?

what’s the point of having a switch if you can’t turn her on and off?

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a real slave, it’s a thing
that no Master knows anything about.

the amount of female gossip on these threads is shocking. it’s like washing
one’s dirty hitachi in public.

self-control is an essential element of a dominant’s character; it allows one
to peruse FL pix without bursting into laughter or puking.

the problem with human “property” is not that it depreciates, but that you
can’t even recycle it.

living with an extreme mascochist is not for the frugal; your water and
electrical bills go through the roof

If it’s not cheating as long as your spouse doesn’t know, is your spouse
really filing for divorce if you don’t know?

pervs confess to their more harmless fetishes in order to conceal the truly
sick ones

for most people, virtues are vices in disguise; for pervs, it’s the opposite

neither the sun nor death nor a fat slob in leather can be looked at with
unflinching gaze

I only engage in pervy sex to remind myself I’m not the center of the universe

the real art of topping is to know how far you can go too far

your problems getting laid are not necessarily due to gender politics

it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like jay wiseman

To have one’s fist stuck inside a dubious girl, may be regarded as a
misfortune; to have both stuck looks like carelessness.

never judge a person by the clothes (s)he wears; never judge fetish-clothing
by the person wearing them

if clothes make the man, fetish-clothing usually ruins him

riding a new york city subway is perfect prepartion for attending a new york
city fetish-party

if FL wants to attract an even edgier crowd, it should be renamed as
facefuckbook

slaves are like sphinxes without secrets, but at least they have noses.

male sadists can often be very humble people, except when their ejaculate goes
to their heads

I no longer attend dungeon parties. I dislike the feeling of deja-flog

it’s not a good idea to fall asleep when whipping someone, though it’s often
difficult to stay awake

I’m in favor of capital punishment, as long as it’s between consenting adults

a dom with a beltful of floggers is like a frenchman with a chestful of medals

a legend in his own toy-bag…

my fetish is nursing-home sex; you wait inside all day and nobody comes.

when a maso woman says “you’re breaking my heart”, it’s usually with a tone of
admiration

the critical period in establishing a polygamous household is breakfast

most people become confused when they get “things all mixed up”; d/s people
are more likely to blot out all reason and memory

a genuine male dominant makes a woman either shudder or surrender

dominance complicates a man’s character and simplifies his submissive’s

A true gentleman is someone who never leaves a mark unintentionally

I disapprove of the way you dress, but I will defend to the death your right
to dress that way–once I stop laughing uncontrollably

he has the sort of bdsm experience that only comes from years of experimenting
on rubber dolls

many people on FL complain about “drama”; that’s because they have no talent
for it–buffonery, slapstick, vaudeville and farce are all they’re capable of.

A true sadist is one who can hit harder than a masochist can stand. A true
masochist is one who can find such a sadist.

We can forgive those who know less than we do. We cannot forgive those who
know more than we do.

I once spent a year at a leather household — I think it was a Sunday.

Masters spend the first part of training teaching you how to walk and talk, and
the rest of it telling you to sit down and shut up.

when weird creatures at some fetish party waddle up to me and introduce
themselves as “Lady Gusset” or “Lord Merkin” or whatever, my reply is always
the same: “That’s ok. I’m sure its not your fault.”

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, FetLife keeps us in touch with
the ignorance of the community.

One’s FetLife is so often the life that one does not lead.

The one charm about 24/7 bdsm is that it makes a life of deception absolutely
necessary for all parties.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are playing with our slave’s tits.

When good kinksters die, they go to Berlin.

Submissives begin by resisting a Dom’s advances and end by blocking his
retreat.

Submissives are made to be beaten, not understood.

I feel most at home in the kink community, not because it is intrinsically
more interesting, but because no one really belongs there any more than I do.
We are all there together in its wholly excellent vacuum.

Dominants were only made into such with great difficulty: the Dom is not
naturally dominant any more than the submissive. He has to be propped up into
that position with some ingenuity, and is always likely to collapse.

A Master, like his cousin the college professor, becomes one because it’s a
great excuse to stop learning anything.


Birthday to Me

mitda and emmie, with the help of a few of our friends, threw me a wonderful suprise birthday party on Sunday.  mitda prepared English style food and a surprisingly high number of people from our social circle showed up, especially given it was a Sunday night.

It helps to remember things like this, and all the responsibilities that go with my lifestyle, on those days where it seems like 40 years is enough time to have utilized the planet’s resources for one person.  Disappointments come and go, along with celebrations, but responsibilities remain, and unlimited responsibility is something I have taken on and endeavour to fulfill.


Trust or Detente?

“The most important thing about the malcontent, is that he is malcontent—unhappy, unsettled, displeased with the world as he sees it—not at ease with the world in which he finds himself, eager to change it somehow, or to dispute with it.”

Unfortunately, like any community, ours has a few malcontents.  People who are simply dislikable and therefore disliked, and who then get upset that they aren’t considered for leadership roles etc.  Most of our community is based on trust, trust that we are in this scene together and therefore won’t fuck with each other’s lives, but with these malcontents trust has to turn into detente, where the only trust is that if you fuck with my house I’ll bomb the shit out of yours.


M/s and Privilege

E is working on a paper for a diversity class, which has engendered much conversation around our interracial, polyamorous, bisexual, kinky, bdsm and  M/s household.  In one sense E is very much, as are we all, involved in diversity issues, however like myself these are chosen ways of being, not inherited issues such as being  black, or female, or such.  emmie of course knows both of those, being a black female, along with the not-so-popular (especially in the black community) choice of becoming a consensual slave to (ahem) a white male Master.  This was pointed out at the MAsT meeting as well, where a (black) owner of a black slave said he had had issues seeing a black consensual slave with a white Master at first.  mitda is white, but female, and also a consensual slave, something that is amazingly fully accepted by her strongly feminist mother.

E and I share inherited white male privilege and the expectations that go with it, which in general is a positive thing for us but can occasionally be negative.  Being sensitive to those who don’t have such privilege a priori is a difficult but worthwhile effort for both of us and I’m glad his paper has caused so much conversation in the household.


Busy in our Own Way

Well, we’ve been pretty busy. We attended a Central Texas Kink event with a formal dinner party served by the slaves/submissives. We also attended a MAsT (Masters and slaves Together) meeting. As well we have our regular Thursday kinky coffee which for the last two weeks has turned into a small play party at someone’s apartment. Going out in the scene is comfortable for mitda and emmie and I, and I suppose it is for E as well, although likely he’d be more comfortable had he his own slave.

Are we isolating ourselves from the vanilla world? It could be argued that we are, much as other subcultures avoid subcultures that would not look kindly on them. If we have found a place, a topoi to survive in then it is fine, just as long as we don’t actually look down on other subcultures and other groups that are doing their own thing in their own way.


Anniversaries and Parties

Yesterday was the play party for the oldest and probably largest bdsm group in town. It was also emmie and E’s anniversary, so while they went to dinner mitda and I socialized and did a bit of public play at the party. The four of us met up later on and went dancing for a while, the club we had intended to go to was impossible to get in (or would have been, we didn’t bother trying) since a well known techno artist was playing there as part of South by Southwest. We went to another club we know that’s a good deal further from 6 th St and the attendant South by shenanigans, it was a pretty good time,, emmie got to dance to music she (sort of ) likes rather than the goth/industrial music mitda and I tend towards.

Today has basically been an at home day for the three of us, while E went into town to study and run. I feel tired but it’s mostly from side effects from a bad earache, so I’m trying not to sleep all day and then be up all night again.


Meanderings

Today was a frustrating day dealing with bureaucracy. Fortunately I was kept buoyed up by mitda’s current euthymia (general mood of well being) and the road trip we had to take to file some paperwork was much easier with her company.

I have decided to put more effort into the Masters’ Workhaus group (see sidebar on left for info) and also on a local group called Explorations, where a group of local M/s practitioners get together with specific exercises in mind. The next planned event is a protocol dinner with post dinner erotic entertainment by the slaves. While emmie plans to dance for the group mitda is looking at an erotic reading.

I was sad to find out that the person who penned Married Man’s Fucktoy has deleted her blog without explanation, obviously anything personal could happen that would lead to such an action, but it would have been nice to know the reason, and nicer for it to not have happened.


BDSM as M/s Praxis

“Any form of skillful coping in which you can become an expert, in which you get into a kind of flow in which you don’t have to think at all, your mind is out of it and the skills in your body are doing it, we’ve done all of that and we’ve done it taking a risk too, that when you do that: you end up lost or you may end up saying things you regret having said, and if you aren’t ready to take that risk you’ll never become an expert in that. So, I could predict that you have taken the risk and done it and felt bad about it, and you’ve done it and felt good about it, and when you’ve got that, you’ve got a kind of mastery. “ – Hubert Dreyfus.

Merleau-Ponty had an important insight. When we look at certain types of expertise (and I’m betraying less philosophical interests of mine, lol) such as the expertise of an athlete, we see embodied expertise, the expertise that is not simply “unthinking” in its operation but is required to be unthinking, such that the athlete wouldn’t be able to do what he/she in fact does if he/she had to think about it while doing it. In this context we have to look at such things as “muscle memory” etc. where the brain simply doesn’t contain the whole representation of what is going on. Merleau-Ponty recognized, in his idea of intercorporeality, that our usual and normal interactions with the World were bodily in nature, that we don’t in fact keep a mental representation of the World, the World is immediate to us through our bodying forth into it. The skill of an athlete is an extension of our normal bodying forth, not an unusual or fundamentally different manner of relating to the World, or meaning-context, in which we exist.

The “play” aspect of bdsm is related to this, as part of the praxis of M/s relationships. Most M/s relationships do in fact incorporate aspects of bdsm play, and this is not an accidental relation. Dominating someone is not, fundamentally, simply a mental thing, and as a result purely psychological or psychosocial theories of M/s fall down when it comes to praxis. The physical aspects, bodily aspects of domination and submission come to the fore in bdsm “play”, and the scare quotes are there because in an M/s context “play” is in fact very serious and very much a part of the real dynamic between the people involved. That bdsm involves skilled play, mastery of technique in a more limited sense of the word mastery than I usually use it, is part of the way that M/s is embodied and brought to a fullness beyond its psychological expression.

When mitda and I first became involved it was in both a romantic (in the old fashioned sense) and practical manner. We were not an M/s couple in any sense, in fact neither of us understood the M/s dynamic as a real possibility. But the combination of a psychological bond together with a penchant for bdsm play resulted in a very tight relationship with one another, and an unplanned but powerful tendency towards M/s within the relationship. After getting together in a physical sense, living together as a couple, and engaging in such play our relationship dynamic inevitably tended not just to M/s, but M/s in its absolute form. Without having any conceptual transparency, we lived together, played together, and developed a total power transfer dynamic. As we became more aware of the tendencies that were expressing themselves within the dynamic and attempted to achieve some sort of conceptual transparency for what we were in fact doing, ideas such as TPE/IE suddenly made sense to two people who had run across and essentially written off such ideas. One of the things this made me aware of as a person who writes on the subject, is that while I can provide a framework for thinking about such relationships, I can’t justify its existence or prove anything of what I am saying, and viewing it as a framework for my reality is something that could be accepted or rejected by the reader, but probably not really understood by the reader unless they themselves had experienced a similar dynamic. And this dynamic cannot be experienced purely mentally, it requires a bodily expression, it requires the bdsm practice aspect that from a conceptual point of view seems extrinsic.

In the relationship that developed with emmie that this praxis was intrinsic came more to the fore, in that she was not, is not a masochist in the conventional sense. She doesn’t engage in bdsm praxis for the sake of the physical pleasure that a conventional masochist derives from it. She engages in it, and it has felt and become necessary to both of us to engage in such practices, from a purely dominance/submission aspect. As a result it is impossible to make the error of viewing the bodily aspect as essentially separate and different from the psychological. Her enjoyment of s & m play is purely the enjoyment a submissive derives from being submissive, palpably, physically. It is the bodying forth of her submission and the bodying forth of my mastery. Our play doesn’t, as a result, have the comfortable and easy feel that mitda and I attain, where mastery and submission is bodied forth in concert with deep mutual pleasure and satisfaction. Instead it results in a tension of necessity, an expression of dominance and submission with our bodies that we cannot choose to forego simply because it isn’t a fundamentally pleasurable activity.


My Little Girl

Today emmie and I went probably the furthest into age play that we have so far allowed ourselves. She coloured in a colouring book while wearing a cute little girl dress, then pleasured her daddy in multiple ways. It’s a fantasy I’ve never really gone to before – having a personal history there it was something very odd to think of doing at first. But it is working out rather well with emmie being my little girl and she seems to really enjoy having a daddy. E and mitda have been very encouraging as well as far as this aspect of our relationship goes, even as far as to prod us to actively go further in exploring it. I adore emmie and want to do everything I can to ensure it’s safe for her to explore this fantasy, and I adore all of my family for being open to what can seem like a very strange kink at first to non-initiates.