Category Archives: anxiety

Nobody Understands Me! Including Me!

Sometimes circumstances conspire to hit you on the head with something you know full well, but for some reason were avoiding your own understanding of. A few months ago circumstances to do with employment took a major turn from the situation I had been hired under, and wanting to make the best of things, along with maintaining a significant income, caused me to avoid understanding the significance of the change. This although had someone described the new situation prior to my accepting the position I would have run for the hills.

Even within the avoidant perspective I was framing the situation with, I spent much of the last couple of months watching the rest of the people on the project busily building a train and tracks to run it on, all the time knowing the destination wasn’t reachable by land. If someone isn’t ready to hear something, even if they respect you sufficiently to listen, your words won’t make any sense, and gesturing wildly towards the abyss between the current track and the destination is only going to convince people you’ve lost your mind, because not only is their perspective different, they have a different horizon, beyond which nothing is yet visible. This has nothing to do with intelligence or acuity, just the luck of the draw as to what you’re ready to see and hear.

This time circumstances conspired further. About a week ago I was forced to stop avoiding my own understanding and act on it, despite it seeming like the worst possible timing, both in terms of personal as well as financial stability. Already, though, it’s as if a massive fog has been lifted. Avoiding something you fully understand renders other things blurry as well, you can’t put blinders on to only one thing, they affect your vision of everything else as well.

Narcissism, BPD, Bipolar, Mastery and Slavery

“and the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder came up. These include “has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations””.

This quote is from a well thought out post by Tanos on Entitlement, posted in his weblog and linked from the ownership wiki on The Slave Register

I lived with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Looking back on it he had a somewhat D/s relationship with his lover, who had obvious Borderline traits. However there was no sense of mastery in his actions, attitudes, etc., merely entitlement without responsibility. Looking at my own behaviour I do, of course, act entitled, while at the same time discouraging such acting in my slaves. But I have a sense of responsibility and a dedication to them and their lives that is simply lacking from the purview of someone with NPD. I will and do take risks, including the risk of simply being an overt Master in a country where human ownership, consensual or not, is simply illegal. And that is a minor one given all the things in our lives.

A couple in our local scene are an obvious NPD/BPD couple, and the two tend to go together. While he seems to take reasonable care of his charge I feel a sense of creeping unease in their presence. Although emmie and mitda (and I myself) have all been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 1 it doesn’t seem to have any direct bearing on our M/s relationship. Obviously my moods and theirs impact the day to day functioning of that relationship but I can’t say I see an overall tendency that runs from BP symptomology to M/s dealings.

Holiday Job Realization

The holidays made me realize how burned out I’ve been with work, not merely due to the 2 hour each way commute, but due to the lack of direction and progress during the 8 hours in between, while I’m there, which is made palpably worse by the restrictions and rules on me while I am there. As a result I gave notice yesterday, something made rather easier by the fact that I was offered a position at equivalent salary at a place without such restrictions that happens to be 10 minutes from home : ). Given that I live in the middle of nowhere, the chances of getting something 10 minutes from here are slim to none, and slim usually left town, but there just happens to be an engineering site in a little town 10 minutes away from this little town, and they were looking for just such a developer as me.

So today I go back to my old job after the holiday and get to piss around until they get sick of me being there and tell me not to finish up my notice, or like everything else there nobody pays any attention and I put in the few days I have to give and then quietly disappear. Either way it’s much better than the stress I was under, and I’m looking forward to a better milieu beginning January 7.

Depression, Anxiety and other Fun Stuff

Currently emmie and mitda are visiting emmie’s new pdoc (psychiatrist). I am waiting at home, hoping things go well and that emmie can get a more viable treatment plan for her depression and anxiety issues. While she is bipolar other than blips mania hasn’t been an issue for a long while. I am bipolar myself and having two bipolar slaves is an interesting, if somewhat difficult, task to put to oneself. While mitda was diagnosed years ago (myself hundreds of years ago) it is all very new to emmie, who was just diagnosed formally this year. We do attend a local support group on Monday’s (although emmie and I were too tired to go last night, mitda did meet up with E. there – as the only normie in the quad it’s great of E. to bother showing up to support the family).