I’ve never been in the situation after a relationship breakup where the other person felt the need to bad mouth me, so the fallout from mitda’s leaving the triad has been somewhat of a surprise.
Of course I’ve seen it happen in others’ breakups, even to the point of delusion that mitda is currently demonstrating. It’s difficult to reconcile it with the person I cared about for so long. The result is that for all intents and purposes she’s dead to me at this point. The person I was with isn’t recognizable in her current behaviour.
It has also forced me to reconsider the desire to not put others through any feelings of having to “take sides”. In my more civil breakups there was never a need to, but in this case I simply can’t trust anyone that remains in contact with her, since they must at least partially believe her delusions in order to remain in contact with her at all. If that means dropping people who continue to associate with her then so be it.
Now that the dust has settled around our household things are remarkably normal, seemingly. From all appearances I live with my girlfriend, both of us in the process of separating / divorcing our spouses. Her son lives with us, aside from being mildly autistic and being a little socially delayed as a result he’s a pretty average young teenager. Well, maybe due to the delay he still seems a bit more of a tween than an actual teenager. This weekend he’s visiting with emmie’s ex, who is really the main father type in his life. He’s known him as long as he can remember and lived with him the majority of his life.
Of course “normal” only applies to people you don’t know very well … if anything the changes have intensified the dynamic between myself and emmie. Taking the politics that are inevitable in a poly situation out of play has allowed us to simply be Master / slave in a more natural way, neither of us having to hold things back due to the politics of the multifaceted relationships involved when mitda was here.
I’m finally able to start enjoying the positive aspects of the many changes, of which I’m discovering a good number daily. I enjoy emmie’s devotion and I love the unfettered way she’s able to express it. It’s not simply a matter of being comfortable enough to be “oneself”, it’s more a matter of being able to be any way you want to be, however extreme that may be at given times, without having to hold anything back because it would make things difficult with the other person involved. Not that there aren’t advantages to a poly household as well, but I’m finding on balance that things have become much more to my liking the way they are now.
From the external family perspective of course things are much easier. Although due to past events emmie was “outed” completely to her family, and my family appear to just always know what’s going on without my telling them anything, it’s simpler for them to behave as if we were a completely vanilla couple. Although still in the process of extricating ourselves from past ties, they can deal with us as a couple much more easily now The awkwardness of it being a triad is simply something they can pretend to forget was ever the case. Yes it’s pretty faux, but most people would rather live in a more comfortable fiction than have to deal with the reality of something outside their admitted experience.
Someone told E that she thought mitda was “courageous” in leaving. Perhaps in the simple fact of doing it, but certainly not in the way she went about it. Rather than tell me that she wanted to leave, right up to her leaving she was constantly pleading that this was the life she wanted and asking for reassurance that we would be there for her. Once on vacation she took money in an underhanded way, knowing she was not planning to return, without being able to tell emmie or I that she wasn’t returning until I was about to get ready to head to the airport to pick her up.
Once gone, despite having left less than half of the amount she took for herself for the three of us to survive on for a month, and having income coming to her at the same time as my first cheque was due to arrive, she almost immediately asked for over half of my first cheque, Seems that she had all kinds of confidence when she believed someone else was willing to foot the bill, but just as when she left last year but stayed in Austin, when nobody else wanted to take care of things for her she came running back here. Due to the way she left and the mess she left us in I had no means to assist however, nor was I particularly interested in doing so had I the means.
Perhaps she will find some courage at this point. The more likely scenario is that she will do whatever she thinks she needs to in order to convince somebody else to help her. I would rather hope that she gets herself on her feet, but her history is to fall towards whomever looks most likely to catch her.
But perhaps after all there was a sliver of courage in her leaving the way she did, since some part of her must have known she was burning her bridges and would be unlikely to be able to look this way for assistance if things didn’t go as well as she hoped. If there was some courage in it, and it wasn’t simply avoidance of dealing with any aspect of the situation directly, perhaps she will find a bit more on her way and get herself together without too much outside help.