Monthly Archives: November 2007

Goodbye to November and All That

I’ve been torturing emmie by making her listen to live Ministry, who we are going to see when they visit our town in April. Sure it’s from a while ago but hell they’re a good live band. Poor emmie is more into pop-hip-hop than Ministry, <sigh>, you can’t always find good musical taste in a slave :).

It’s been a difficult week and a half and I’ll be glad when this week is past. E. has been focused on getting ready for exams, mitda is recovering rather well all things considered but not yet up to her usual self, emmie has had a few difficult things to deal with personally, and I’ve had my issues with personal and professional restrictions at work, not to mention my jaw being half ripped out. I’m hoping that during December we can rally around each other a bit more and not have shit dumped on us from without..

Turkey and Obsession

We had an odd sort of family Thanksgiving yesterday, not that things aren’t often a little odd around here. I was unable to really take part in the eating due to having had two wisdom teeth out (one was growing in underneath another). The pain and being unable to function fully for a few days left me extremely depressed and lethargic.

After changing from one neuroleptic to another emmie had a brief but intense psychotic episode. Unfortunately mitda is feeling very vulnerable both physically and emotionally as a result of her hysterectomy and responded in fear. E helped to calm the situation down quite a bit and by the time mitda’s mother had been retrieved from her home (she doesn’t like driving in heavy rain) emmie had done a wonderful job cleaning up the house and was ready for the company. The meds I had given her during the episode left her feeling tired though and she retired to bed shortly after dinner. I had been tired and pretty much lolling around in bed anyway, so I stayed with her there until mitda’s moth was ready to go home. E and mitd and her mother watched a couple of movies and seemed to have a good time overall. Apparently the food was good – as I said earlier I didn’t eat much of it – but it seems E did a good job with the Turkey (his first time) and the rest of the stuff at least looked and smelled good.

Tomorrow emmie will try to find a new pdoc as we are not happy with her current doc’s medication knowledge. She will also call her current pdoc and relate the incident to see if in fact he does have any ideas. I don’t personally believe, having met him, that he is particularly comfortable treating bipolar. Bipolar disorder requires treatment by a good psychopharmacologist, someone who knows the illness and the medications for it (there’s literally hundreds) inside and out.

Voidy numbness …

I have been considering the Void lately. Not that void that science deals with that stands in for not-matter wherever there isn’t matter, that void is still in space, in time, in the universe. The Void I am thinking on is neither in space nor time, but exceeds both, nor is it a part of that finite but unbounded thing we call the Universe, it exceeds that also.

This particular void is not graspable, it can’t be conceptualized in any conceptual en-grasping. It doesn’t take part in mankind’s en-framing of the universe into calculable resources, it remains outside, incalculable, unresourceful. It can’t be presented to someone or represented to oneself, and yet, terrifyingly at times, it remains experienceable.

One might expect that experiencing this would cause one to cling to one’s fellows, much as people gather and hold one another during a storm. But it is not a storm, it is calm as death, and perhaps it would have this effect on another, in fact perhaps half the distractions of society exist in pure response to it, but on me it renders me distant, alone and with the desire to be more so.

I have taken things to become more calm, taken other things that I hope will bring me back towards some form of integration with the World. It could look like depression and perhaps there is some of that lurking around. In the meantime I have to try to balance my responsibilities within-the-world with the undeniable situation that a good part of me is not there.

My vocabulary, its origin, and a kid difficulty

Someone I know, a thoughtful person herself, complained recently about my “reinventing vocabulary” in reference to how I write and speak, and it triggered a number of thoughts about vocabulary in general and mine in particular, which in turn triggered thoughts on issues I have had in my development as a whole.

Not that I do, or do intentionally, reinvent vocabulary (well maybe sometimes I do prefer my own terms for certain things, such as “absolute enslavement” 😛 ). I have a fair background in both phenomenology and the philosophy of language, particularly with reference to Hegel, Heidegger and Derrida, and so the language that I most naturally use includes terms and structures that are not unusual in these writers but are not so commonly used. But along with this I have some Asperger’s traits, and fundamentally for me all language is in the first place a foreign language, English as much as symbolic logic, and am often non-verbal for long periods, so language that is unusual and seems foreign to other people doesn’t seem any more foreign to me that what is deemed common parlance. I developed my sense of language despite, rather than because, language in general is a natural or easy thing for me. But I developed enough of a sense of language to serve me decently in what I do because I also had an ability for languages, whether foreign or not :).

My aspies traits have been a concern for me very recently in general. I’m not unhappy about having them – I enjoy the abilities I have as a result and I’m not upset by having had to make a slight extra effort with things like language. I learned language quite well in spite of aspies, and learned other things – such as how to judge people’s perceptions of oneself – that are more difficult for aspies people than for the general population. Overall I’m quite content with the combinations of abilities I have developed – I was lucky enough that my aspies traits weren’t so severe that I couldn’t overcome things that I found necessary to overcome, and I learned many of the things I learned when I was too young to actually notice that it took me more or less effort than other kids.

The reason it has been a concern, then, is not particularly regarding myself, but regarding emmie and her son. Both of emmie’s sons are diagnosed autistics, but the younger one really fits the description of someone with aspies more than autism, while the older one fits the description of a medium to medium-high functioning autistic more accurately. I haven’t spent a great deal of time with her older son, who lives with his father in another state, but her younger son lives with us and is currently 9, which seems to be an important age for a kid with aspies. According to child development guidelines 9 to 11 is the age when children generally become social personalities. Up to that point children are an odd combination of self absorption and parent-centrism, they don’t come across as completely self-interested, simply because their “self” is still integrated with those that raised them, usually their parents in this society.

But between 9 and 11 years this changes, and kids suddenly take an avid interest in one another. Peer pressure first really develops at this age and so does the need to be close to other kids, rather than first looking for parental/teacher acceptance and only later for acceptance by peers. Along with this comes the development of, not self-awareness, but awareness of how one is perceived by others. Aspies and autistic kids are often labelled not self-aware but this is a mislabelling of the fact that they are not aware of how others perceive them. They are aware of their actual “selves” quite strongly as far as I can tell. A striking difference between a fully autistic child and an aspies one, for me, is the difference between not knowing that one is perceived as “ different” or “odd”, vs. knowing it, but not necessarily understanding it or being able to change it.

So her son is having difficulty integrating with other kids at the age that they are all beginning to do so with each other. This could be a very temporary thing, where her son is delayed developmentally and will start to develop that kind of other-kid-awareness a bit later, or it could be a fundamental short-circuit in his wiring – I simply don’t know enough about aspies or her son to be able to judge. From being aspies myself, in a less apparently severe way, I know that an aspies kid “can” learn that kind of awareness even if it’s not altogether natural or easy. But I don’t know if that’s true for every aspies kid or just for some. And if it can be learned by any kid that is by definition aspies and not fully autistic (if there is a hard-and-fast line, which seems doubtful) I don’t know about the best way to go about helping a kid learn it. The kid has ample reason to learn it – at present he gets picked on and his reactions to things – or more precisely how he allows people to see those reactions – makes it all the more likely he will continue to get picked on. Kids are sensitive and emotional creatures. It’s not that “normies” don’t get sensitive or have emotional reactions to things, but they learn more quickly than an autistic child what reactions are acceptable to show in front of whom, and what reactions will cause them to be made fun of or treated as “weird”.

This kid has it both good and bad when it comes to the severity of his difficulties. From the limited exposure I’ve had to his elder brother, he has much more of a chance than the elder sibling of living an apparently “normal” life. Where the elder child will always be treated as disabled in certain functional ways, the younger one may be treated as having been “developmentally” delayed, and may always be “odd” in certain ways, but will likely generally be treated as having “caught up” with everyone else. I use scare quotes on “caught up” because, as with many aspies kids, he has definite abilities as well as disabilities, and overall is very intelligent, so much so that despite an obvious learning disability he is in a regular school at the right grade for his age and is on the school’s honor roll. There are many ways where he will always be “ahead” of the average kids in his classes. Not that you have to have aspies to be intelligent or have abilities, he is simply one of the lucky kids that despite whatever problems and issues he might have, he has these abilities to fall back on.

I hope that with further study, partly of aspies syndrome, mostly of emmie’s son himself, we’ll be able to figure out ways to help him overcome the areas where he does have difficulties. The extra effort it takes him will be worth it in terms of living the life that he will eventually want to choose for himself, and with certain other things being relatively easy for him, he should have spare energy to use on overcoming his issues.

mitda on the road to healing and recovery

All things considered mitda is doing very very well. Many thanks to all the well-wishers who have called, emailed or stopped by to make sure of this. Yes she’s still very tired and rather sore, and it will probably take the full six week recovery period to get my mitda back to where she is the full of life, vivacious person that some lucky people have gotten to know, but already I can see some of the glimmer, some of the hope that with the inordinate pain that has been dogging her gone she can continue becoming the person she wants to be, which is the person we all want her to be.

She and emmie and Jubal are the 3 biggest joys in my life. As her Master I expect her to do anything I tell her, as her husband and best friend I expect to do anything she requires. A real M/s relationship is as symbiotic as a real husband/wife relationship but with a little more intensity than most people are used to in their relationships. I hope we can strengthen our bond even further now that a significant distraction is gone and she is on the healing road.

Objectification and the end of the Subject-Object Split

Tonight I was corresponding with another Dominant about an “objectification” social she is planning, and which emmie and I will likely be attending. While objectification of a slave is interesting to me, the de-subjectification that I think is likely will be far more so. Having one’s slave see him/her self as no different than the other objects in one’s world is a very tangible way of breaking the habitual subject-object split that one makes in one’s perceptions, and it is my hope that emmie will begin by viewing herself as though she were an object, but end by ceasing to see objects as such, as separated from herself by a fictional subjectness of her person.

I want to explore this further in thought, particularly in the direction of the personality and its fictions (including its own reality) but I think I will let the thoughts develop a little further on their own and leave it here for tonight.

End of Misery, Hopefully

I haven’t been blogging much, what with work, a slave in hospital and much else. But now mitda is home and while she’s more than a little sore she’s in pretty good spirits, which helps mine significantly. As for that work thing, I’m working from home today, partly to save the cost of travelling to work (we’ve not managed to cash a cheque yet so things are tight although they shouldn’t be, but that’s another story) and partly to spend time with mitda.

Although the operation was supposed to be lapiroscopic in nature mitda ended up with a full abdominal courtesy of a nasty cyst and subsequently enlarged ovary – enlarged to about the size of her fist. I do feel really glad that all that stuff is out of there, it was causing her nothing but misery. Now we have to see how her moods do without hormones and find out whether she’ll need HRT, altogether a lot to think about for someone her (young) age. But the pain she was in should be gone for good. Thank you the gods of surgery.

The family has been really good with her – emmie was with her much of the time in the hospital – even through the first crying jags when she was still way stoned on the morphine drip and feeling a little empty. It’s a deal for emmie to handle strong emotion so it was nice to see her come through it so well. Jubal has been great, reliably there every day to see her, helping with the house to get it read for her, etc.

And me? Well, I made chili con carne for dinner her first day home. First time I cooked (other than the grill) in this house. Turned out ok I guess ;).

15 Hour Days …

Another 15 hour day. This one went relatively well – I’m able to design the system the way I want to – since it is new I have very few restrictions, which gives me a chance to try a few things I’ve been wanting to try.

It does make home life more difficult though. I am trying to set things up in a way that I can assign tasks without being here but restrictions at work on use of email etc. make it that much more difficult than it should be. The girls are feeling the lack of attention and it’s not a positive experience for them.

Back to it

I haven’t had much time to keep up with my blog lately, what with working an 8 hr day and spending 4 hours in the car in total to get there and back. Not that I don’t want to keep it up, but it gets grinding and I was definitely looking forward to the weekend.

Keeping up an M/s relationship in these conditions poses its challenges as well. The girls need direction and I’m often not as available as I would like to provide it. I have ideas as to making the task of setting tasks and reviewing them more efficient but that in itself takes energy and time to implement. So we’re all getting by.

Preparations for mitda’s surgery are not as far along as I would like, as a family we have to realize that the person primarily responsible for meals, shopping and a host of other things will be completely out of commission for some time, and everyone has to pick up the slack no matter what their personal schedules look like.

We went to a dinner party mostly made up of M/s couples, triads etc. tonight and it was a welcome social relief from the draconian world where I work, and the current pressures of home life. It made me remember why we do these things. Not, obviously so that when we go out we have M/s people to go out with, lol, but watching the interaction and feeling so at ease because these people understand how we are and how we choose to live confirms me again in following our hearts and minds and living as we want to.